He never will
by fra22
Summary: Set at the end of season 2. Over a talk with a stranger, Justin realizes that he probably made up Brian's love for him.


A/N: While "studying", my mind wandered in QAF-land (what can I say, I'm obsessed!) and came up with what you're about to read.**  
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This moment takes place at the end of season 2 when Justin doubted Brian's feelings for him. I leave you free to decide if it would/could have happened before or during the Ethan's affair or if it should be set in a parallel universe.

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**He never will**

Justin was standing at the bar leaning on one elbow, finishing his beer. Babylon was crowded as always and he had just left Brian and Michael have their little private show on the dance floor after having shared a dance or two with his lover. Tonight the Professor, as Brian called him, was doing some "professory things" and Ted and Emmet were busy for a special website's event of some kind. A guy came over, ordered a beer and settled next to the blond.

"Hey", the quite good looking stranger said.

"Hey", replied Justin, non-committal.

"Is this guy your boyfriend?", asked the guy, nodding towards Brian. "I saw you two together several times here."

"One could say that."

The guy raised his eyebrow but didn't comment.

"He's hot."

"Yeah, he is."

"But not as hot as you."

Justin looked at him in disbelief but the guy seemed serious.

"Thanks, but you better not say that in front of him."

"Why? It's true. He must know, don't you think?"

When Justin shrugged he continued: "You guys been long together?"

" Depends on who you're asking."

"What do you mean?"

"If you'd ask him, he'd tell you we're not together."

"Your version would be?"

"Almost 2 years."

"Wouah. So you love him?"

Some other time Justin would have told him to mind his business. That was an odd question in a place like Babylon and a really bad come-on if it was what the guy was trying to do. But tonight the young man felt like talking to someone.

Still, at first, Justin didn't reply. He looked for a long time at Brian dancing with Michael. He observed his moves, imprinted his smile in his brain, to have something to remember when he's alone, then said:

"Yeah, I love him."

"Does he love you back?"

Justin didn't know how to answer that. A while back he would have smugly said yes. A bit before that he'd have said "he will soon", but now, he didn't know anymore.

"He has to! Look at you! How could he not love you back?"

"I…"

"Come on, it's been 2 years…"

Some people say that it's easier to talk to a stranger as they're not prejudiced and you'll probably never see them again. That night, Justin must have considered it to be true as he said really calmly:

"For a moment I thought he did. I truly believed it for a while, but now, I'm not sure anymore. Maybe it was all in my head; what I wanted. I wanted it to be true; so badly. I probably created this little fantasy so I didn't think of myself as a pathetic kid who was pining for some older man who didn't give a shit. I was one, you know?"

He glanced over the guy who was listening, holding his almost full beer.

"I was a pathetic love-sick kid who wanted this man so badly, who wanted him to love him back. He had to, you know; after a certain time there was no way he could have stick around if he didn't."

"So maybe he does."

"So why nothing's changed? Why doesn't he say anything? Why does he keep on fucking other guys, over and over…?"

"It's been 2 years, 2 fucking years!", went on Justin, not letting the guy give some input. "If he doesn't love me now, he never will!"

The guy opened his mouth and said something but Justin didn't hear it. He couldn't hear anything anymore. He probably didn't hear himself repeat again and again "he never will, he never will, he never will", each time more forcefully than the other, like he was trying to convince himself or maybe, he simply was finally accepting it. Over and over he said it until it was only a murmur "he never will, he never will". Sadness overwhelmed him as the statement fully sucked in. He dared to look over at the man still on the dance floor, having a great time with his friend. He loved him so much that sometimes when he looked at him, his breath got caught in his throat, the world stopped spinning and he had this strange feeling that his heart expanded so rapidly that it was going to burst in his chest. But at a moment like this one, as the realization that Brian was not his and probably never will, he felt like the content of his heart was emptied until the latter disappeared all together and nothing but a hole was left.

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Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. Property of Cowlip


End file.
